Writing

The Simple Life

I’ve always wanted a simple life. I never dreamt of living in a big house or mansion, although I must admit I do sometimes daydream of having a piece of Chanel bag or a high-end furniture but that’s just up to that. What I meant perhaps is that I never aspired to live a lavish life. What I’ve always wanted is to have a family of my own someday with my one true love while being able to do what I wanted to do (career-wise, that is). 

Sometimes it can be tempting going to another country and to live there. To start from scratch, get a “job” and just live simply. It’s very tempting especially in times when you feel like things are developing slow on your way to reach your goals/dreams. Sometimes I imagine what if I did do that and work somewhere else and apply to any design-related job. I’d still be doing design which is what I love and wanted to do while earning steady income until comes the time when I (or rather “we”) eventually decided to settle down. I imagine that and I imagine if I’d be happy if that were the case. But sometimes I think is it a form of escape? Sometimes I think will I really be happy if I did just that or would there still be a part of me that would forever wonder what if I have pursued what I actually wanted to do in terms of design (the entrepreneurial path)? It’s so tempting to make a detour sometimes towards the safe and fail proof path to the simple life dream, but I wonder if that would actually make me happy or would I just find myself later on aged, stuck in what’s comfortable or “what works” and find myself unsatisfied. All these just because I decided to take the comfortable route. Nothing wrong with it…but…(there would always be a BUT). 

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Writing

The Real First Date Was Our Third One

Before I’ve written a post about my so-called “perfect first date” and looking back at it now in some ways it did seemed “perfect” because somehow it matched with what I have imagined a first date to be like—”perfect” because it was my “ideal” date, it went as what I had in mind. We were both giddy to the point that all we needed was a glass of hot fudge sundae between us and we’ll be practically living up to Katy Perry’s “Teenage Dream”. But looking back at it now it no longer seemed “perfect” for me anymore because I realized none of it felt “real”…or at least the kind of “real” that I had been looking for most of my life. It didn’t felt real because everything that happened then now seemed “scripted” because I only got what I dictated I wanted out of that seemingly perfect first date. Looking back at it now I realized it was not a perfect first date because it didn’t feel real, it was only “kilig” or that fuzzy and giddy feeling masking itself as something more but in truth it’s just the initial excitement of being with someone new. There was no actual “connection”, not even a “click”. It wasn’t even because of the person I was with because that person was part of the “ideal” and what I’ve realized those ideals aren’t real and if you don’t notice it soon enough it could mislead you to an impending dating or relationship doom. I realized that I didn’t want an ideal date, I wanted a real one. I don’t want an ideal man or ideal love, I wanted a real man and real love.

What is now “perfect” for me isn’t about how smoothly and on the dot the date went according to plan, but by how it didn’t went accordingly so. It was perfect because it had a good balance of planned and spontaneity. It was perfect when you offered to pick me up from my house and I didn’t have to request for you to do so. It was perfect when the heel of my shoe broke down by the time we were in the coffee shop and I was trying to act cool about it even though for awhile I was secretly panicking. I eventually did felt relieved when it was you who panicked in turn when I told you about my broken heel and was touched that you were concerned slash bothered by it more than I was. It was perfect because we got to laugh about that “diyahe” or hashtag FAIL heel moment. It was perfect when you assured me that these “fail” moments are the ones we’d fondly go back to when visiting memory lane. It was perfect when you accompanied me to Landmark so I can get myself a new pair of shoes and how I told you to go a few steps away because I couldn’t shop under the pressure of you lurking behind me. It was perfect when you (finally!!) held my hand during the movie because secretly I was waiting for you to do so. It was perfect when we finally acknowledged the elephant in the room over a couple of beers and how I apologized if I was too forward with you the night before and how you vehemently told me not to apologize and in turn you told me you were actually so glad that I did do it because you were too “torpe” to do it. It was perfect when you (again, finally!!) took the initiative to kiss me in the elevator because I swore to myself that day that I won’t be doing any first moves during that date because I wanted to see that you wanted it too just as much as I did. I chose to remain silent and refuse to make demands because I wanted to see if you had the initiative to do those things without me “dictating” it to you. I wanted to see it come from you yourself. I want you to want it, not because I told you so but because you yourself wanted it. I want it to come from your own free will, no pressure of any kind. And each day since that you continue to surprise me because you do things before I could even think of asking them from you. Each day after that I continue to grow in love with you.

Somewhere I read a quote from a book by Sarah Dessen that went along with these lines and it summarizes how I feel at this moment:

You know, when it works, love is pretty amazing. It’s not overrated. There’s a reason for all those songs.”

If there’s one word to describe you and what we have I would say it’s “real”. You were that “click” I was looking for and every day since then I had been thanking God that He gave me you. What we have is so different from what I’ve ever experienced and as I’ve always been telling you my sister was right, love isn’t supposed to be hard and heavy before the relationship even begins. Indeed, when it works, love is pretty amazing!

I consider the real first date our third one and it could not have been more perfect because it wasn’t forced. There was no feeling of being “pressured”. It was perfect because from the start both of us individually showed who we really are. From the day we first met we were real, no best foot forward, just showing each other who our real selves are.

The real first date was our third and it could not have been more perfect than how it had been and how it eventually turned out to be.

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Writing

Note to Self

Over the past year and half or so I have learned these important lessons:

1. Perceptions change as you experience life more. Never say never and never say you won’t. You will eat your words soon enough…at least most of them. So kindly do yourself a favor and bite your tongue.

2. God gives you what you ask for, but at the right time. This lesson needs a separate entry for explanation.

3. Sometimes life surprises you when reality is finally better than your expectations. Sometimes you get skeptic knowing that because it can happen to others, it’s also possible for it to happen to you. But will it? You know what, with what’s happening in my life recently when it does surprise you in such way…it is pretty sorta kinda awesome 🙂

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Writing

Note to Self #4

There comes a time when enough is enough. I knew the signs and what the red flags meant, yet I continued being hopeful thinking that somehow those little sparks of “hope” would be enough to create change. But I’m just done being intentionally stupid. I can’t do this to myself anymore, I owe it to myself to be a better person. I guess it’s one disadvantage of being an optimist, always believing the best in people or a person even if that person can’t manage to become the best version of himself. I’m not in the business of changing people, I want to love them for who they are. And if that’s how he apparently is, I should stop myself from all these delusions. Just a word of advice folks though: sometimes acting or being “nice” just for the sake of appearing “good” isn’t actually doing the other person a favor. Sometimes it’s just actually plain mean.

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Writing

To Trust is to Have Faith

One of the things I learned from coming out from a relationship and being on the verge of a new one is the inescapable tendency of projecting the mistakes of your past flame to your potential new one. It’s like in some way or another you sort of become “traumatized” (though pride would never get you to admit it out loud) and become afraid slash paranoid slash anxious that the reasons why it didn’t worked out with the one before would be the same issues that would recurr with the one now, which quite frankly is unfair for the new guy. Because one, he doesn’t have to pay for the mistakes of the past and two, he and the one who came before that aren’t the same people. We have to have faith, to give them a chance to prove themselves, to learn to trust…and that goes both ways.

You know that game where you’re supposed to be blindfolded and you have to drop yourself backward while a person stands behind you waiting to catch you as you fall? Giving trust is just like that. You never know for certain if that person standing before you will catch or not, you just have to have faith and trust that the person will catch you even if you don’t know who that person really is. Opening yourself to the possibility of a new relationship, I realize, is to have faith. Faith in the unknown, faith in uncertainty, faith that it will work out and if it didn’t then you just have to move on with bright eyed possibilities knowing that at least you did try living life without regrets and you went out there and never felt more alive.

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Writing

The Perfect First Date

The perfect first date or rather my perfect first date happened when I was 24 years old (mind you, am still 24 but almost going 25 as I write this). Why was it perfect? We didn’t do anything out of ordinary or even anything too frisky like some other first date stories I’ve heard, but still it was the perfect first date for me. I’ve been to other “dates” before but it never came quite close as to this perfect first date.

It wasn’t about where we ate or what coffee we had after or what movie we saw (see? boring normal stuff), but it was the feeling that brought us to that day and how everything in that day went so well that even I believed it to be so good as well. No thinking of is it too good to be true? None of that usual bad shit memo. I just remembered after he left I was filled with euphoria (yep, happiness didn’t seem suffice) that all I could think of is how I wish I could bottle up all these excess happiness so that in times I feel bad or feel down I could just open one up to make me feel better. Yeah, that badshit cray man. That day I realized how blessed and loved I was by the people around me. How they are so genuinely supportive of me that it added to the whole happy package. I was engulfed by love and happiness. It wasn’t just a “date”, it was a collision of positive vibes focused on that particular day and with that it was one of the best and memorable days in my life thus far. It didn’t matter of the events that happened after, I would always remember it as my perfect first date.

Oh the giddiness and I won’t deny a speckle (understatement) of lust had a big part in it alright. The whole fuzzy and bubbly feeling that Colbie Caillat would croon in her song was definitely there. It was the kind of date I wished I had experienced back when I was a teen but I never got to have. All the elements where there. And maybe it just had to do with whom I had a date with. I’m really not that hard to please although some who wouldn’t know me well would find it hard to believe. Good food (or drink) and good company, that’s all it takes really.

So yeah, maybe it somehow had to do with you being with me during that perfect first date.

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